Saturday, October 18, 2008
Promo results were released on thursday. I braced myself for the worst but yet at the same time, I tried to hand onto God's assurance. It was hard. It was really like Gloom Day. Almost everybody I met/ saw along the corridors were either had an comforting arm around someone or looking gloomy, with the rare smiling faces...'cause the scored like what As and Bs? >_<
ok, that aside. PW has been consuming my life. Yes, it has. It's not just churning out the WR. it's the relationships as well. I'm trying to tolerant, trying love and not hate. Yet my actions seem to contradict. I con't help complaining to all around me about how a certain group member is hard to work with. My tolerance fuel is running high and dry. What can I do if a particular individual is so uncooperative, only attempts to talk to you when the person feels like to, and has totally unpredictable mood swings. AHHHH! :'( Maybe I've amplified the flaws but that's what I see. Does it mean if a criminal is smart he gets pardoned and escapes punishment? I bet not. Then why is it so unfair? We slogged yet it seems like the other one has a definite edge over us? I can't help but feel angry, jealous, that it's so simply unfair.
I know that the Bible says that wrath belongs to the Lord and that revenge is for the Lord to take and not us. But I can't contain it any longer. So what if quality work is produced, the other one always misses deadline, give excuses, does not even actively attempt to participate in this group projectwork? Maybe God is training me to handle relationships according to His way and not mine. But it's like sometimes I just want to flare up and yell in the person's face and just throw in the towel. I feel so downright horrible and mean harbouring these thoughts even if I doubt I'd ever have the courage or boldness to do it. Thinking about it again, I'm glad I don't. I really don't think God will be very pleased about my attitude either.
God says to love your enemies. He says to love your neighbour as yourself. To love others just as He first loved us. He tells us that the love will come from Him and not ourselves. But it's still so so so tough. And I tempted to just run away from the problem.I just wanna escape and hide and pretend that the problem doesn't exist. I don't want to be two-faced or be a hypocrite. But how?
I need serious help here. I need to start really meaning it when I say I want God to direct and Guide me. Lord, please bless my relationships and make me a child the reflects Your love and glory. Help me Lord, I pray. Amen.
神、助けてお願い!!
changeme.
12:00 AM
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Finally made it to church today. After two weeks of 'skipping church' to prepare for the promos...I never felt more guilty. :( Anyway, had a great time of Bibile study during cell today! Sometimes when I feel just so alone and friendless, I thanks thank the Lord for blessing me with such fun and wonderful cell mates! :D Though I only see then once a week and we're are not that close as I hoped we would be, they are the ones to whom I can comfortably speak about my spiritual struggles, my weaknesses and sins. I don't know, maybe sometimes you don't have to be physically close or close in the worldly sense to be truly close friends...hmmm, but then again I'm not really sure what I mean here. I don't know how to explain it. Talking about friends, it was apt that today's topic was about fellowship. Sometime ago, I was talking to Brenda about how I wasn't exactly in any ministry in church at all. it's like I've been so much of a receiver than a giver. I've been receiving so much love and care from people around me, from God, but I'm not giving it back at all. It's been something that I felt that God was trying to tell me. It's like I'm selfish, yup just plain selfish. It's hard to admit this, but yes I am selfish. unknowingly, I've been caring about me, myself and I too much that I've overlooked the need to give back. haha. Maybe it really is 'payback time'!
Anyway, it was rather sad to hear that Teens Time is going to be history already. and come to think of it, it's actually 'cause people like me don't actively participate in it that the painstakingly planned acitivites are gone to waste. :( So now Teens Time is replaced with these 7 ministries that they are going to officially launch next year. It sounds exciting to me. Maybe it's because I've sort of made up my mind that I need to give back to the Lord whatever He's given me, like using the gifts and talents He has blessed me with to praise Him back. Yup so the exciting thing is that there's going to be a Dance Ministry! Wo-hoo! :D I'm thinking that it's going to be truckloads of fun and so cool 'cause it's like I'll get to praise God and do something I love at the same time! I hope I get parental permission to join it too.
Meanwhile, it's PW and PW and more PW ahead! My sunny days ahead are now all covered up by ominous black clouds of PW. The weather forecast for this week: showers all week, with occasional thunderstorms looming! So beware!!
haha. Right. Have got to more optimistic, I know. Hmph! >_< color="#333399">storm clouds! In with the sunshine! GO girl!
changeme.
9:52 PM
Friday, October 03, 2008
It may sound cliche, but it's really as if the year has bullet-trained pass in a blink of the eye! Yet the beginning of this year seemed so far away! My days at Serangoon seemed like it was ages and ages ago...when I was still apprehensive of my Os and my bleak future. It was not long later that I managed to get in to the school I wanted and was soon caught up in the hustle and bustle of jc life. haha. Just as my sister says, I'm the 'Queen of Gei-Kiangness'! haha. Ya, sometimes or maybe all the time, I want to do everything and anything all at the same time, that I get myself so busy and tired. Sometimes, ending up with nothing done well... :(
Sigh. どうしよう?どのほうがいいの?私は困っていました。
But I just thank the Lord for always watching and protecting me till now! Bruises and all, I know My King still loves me. And I love Him too! (^^)~
Just to keep track, here's a little list of little things I've done this year (thus far):
1. Joined council in PAE JC as an intern (helped organise valentine's day!)
2. Got the number of points I wanted for the Os (thank God!)
3. Entered the JC I'm in now :)
4. Danced for Life Concert (was a tremendously wonderfully exhilarating experience!)
5. Conquered common test (my first in JC! >_<)
6. Danced for Rapture! (Wo-hoo! (^^)*)
7. Completed Promos...waiting for results now. Let me and my whole class be promoted! ><
8. And just today, got my A level jap oral over and done with! よかった!
Promos sure wasn't easy...but I'm just so glad it's over. :)
Sometimes, just when you brutally decide to kick God out of the picture just so because He doesn't seem to be responding. He surprises you in every corner! It's like, I may sunknowingly push God down my list of priorities, again :( , but He never gives up! He'll keep showing His goodness and try to bring you back to Him. Sometimes, all we need is to keep quiet or to put it more crudely to shut up and listen. To stop asking God to answer OUR requests all the time and to just wait upon Him, wait for Him to direct and guide. I know I am guilty of always making empty promises to God and I have a really bad habit of neglecting God when I'm busy, onlyng for crying for help when I'm desperate or 'freer' to think about such things. I know it's a horrible thing. I know that sometimes I'm really selfish and thinkg only about myself. That's why I need God! I need Him to alert me these flaws. I need Him to change me. So please be patient, 'cause the Lord is still working at me!
changeme.
9:40 PM